Top 10 FMLs of All Time!

10. Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly ressembled the sounds my wife makes in bed. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m pretending to be mommy from last night.” I was on a business trip last night. FML

9. Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her a** (all invented). She believed it and i’m single. I’ve been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML

8. Today, 3 days before my wedding day, I found out that my fiance is sleeping with one of my bridesmaids. I just cancelled a $200,000 wedding. I would go into more detail, but I have to help my family (who flew in from Poland, California, and Massachusetts) book flights back home. FML

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7. Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny b*tch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML

6. Today, the girl I’ve loved for the past two years finally expressed her innermost feelings for me. After a brief make out session, she asked me to “never leave her side”. When I got home, my mom told me that my dad got a new job. I’m moving to the other side of the globe in two weeks. FML

5. Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying “I just dropped the b*tch off I’ll be there in a few baby, miss you”. I asked him about it he said “I don’t know what you’re talking about Megan”. My name isn’t Megan. Not even close. FML

4. Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

3. Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her “Edward”. I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her “Twilight” book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

2. Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML

1. Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

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